Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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