his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
