Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
