Your face is a jimmy john
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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