Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
