omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
