its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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