i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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