Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize