You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
