You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
