Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
