I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
