I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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