FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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