omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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