dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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