this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
