my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
