lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
