If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
