It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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