I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
