I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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