genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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