how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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