Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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