god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
NoShamevember. You game?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
