you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
