Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
