So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
