wanna go halves on a baby?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
