Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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