Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize