The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
