OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
