You're my little dorito
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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