If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
