I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
