Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
