so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I came so hard my ears popped.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
