I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
