Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
