Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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