grandma shit on top of the toilet
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
