Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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