I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
