he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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