No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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