Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just puked most of my soul out..
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
