Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
