youre lurking in front of me
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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