i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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