I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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