i was born a porn star she said
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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