he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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