defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
