Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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