I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
