I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
