The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm like, not good at living.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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