Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize